Rebuilding

Four years ago I began my journey as a Maryknoll Missioner.  Having returned approx 3 weeks ago to the U.S. I am mindful of the new stage I  have entered in my life.  4 years ago I was working on dismantling my life which was getting rid of my possessions, my job, my car, and responsibilities here in the U.S.  As I wrote back then I found a freedom in releasing myself from so much stuff and enjoyed moving into a simpler life.  Now it is time to rebuild that life I left behind.  With this stage I find myself feeling excited, scared, overwhelmed, and optimistic.

One of the first things I did when I returned home was buy some new cloths.  Mostly because I was cold.  I came from a very tropical environment and Oregon is cold, at least for now.  I have always enjoyed new cloths but I want to be practical and get what I need not just what I want.

My main priority is to find a job.  This is where the majority of my time is spent these days.  I have had a few interviews but no job yet.  I need a job before I can decide where I will live and before I buy a car. My parents are great, giving me a place to live and they let me use their car whenever I need.  I really have to force myself to be patient because I consider myself a very decisive person.  I like to make a decision and take action.  For now I need to wait on moving on until I get a job.  I am working on living in the present moment and enjoying the simple things.  Like hot water that comes out of the sink, driving a car, and of course being able to flush my toilet paper (sorry if that is too much information).

Honestly, sometimes when I think about rebuilding not only my life but a home it is a little bit daunting.  But my goal is to keep it as simple as possible.  To not be afraid to get what I need, but I don't want to go back to what I had.  Which was cupboards full of things I might use one day but really never used.  Last week my sister gave me her Goodwill pile which was a pan, some coffee cups and 3 wooden spoons.  I was so happy to get that.  So now I have a little pile started which awaits my new home.

I think one of the hardest things is rebuilding the relationships in my life.  Someone said to me the other day, "we got use to you being away."  Which is the reality in life, people and life move on.  I know some relationships will withstand the 4 years of me being gone and some I will cherish for what they were and be grateful for the moments I had in those relationships.  Soon I will also be making new relationships which is exciting.

One thing I learned from working on the construction project in Brazil is that rebuilding comes with both challenges and advances.  It always takes a little longer than we want and there are surprises along the way.  But rebuilding is about new beginnings, hope for a better future, and dreaming of creating something wonderful.  In so many of my job applications or interviews I am asked what my goals are.  Of course I share the goals that are appropriate for the given job.  But my ultimate goal is to live a mindful life full of joy, love, and simplicity.  I want to live this journey of life with grace, solidarity, and always looking to new possibilities.

Celebrating 3 years

About three and a half years ago I had a Mass with my family and friends to send me into mission.  For one of the songs my friend Jill suggested I do "The Summons" by Robert Kochis.  The words of the song had more meaning then I could have ever imagined.  Now as I mark 3 years on January 12th in Brazil I reflect on what these words really meant for me in my journey as a missioner.  

Will you come and follow me if I but call your name?
Will you go where you don’t know and never be the same?
Will you let my love be shown? Will you let my name be known,
will you let my life be grown in you and you in me?

Three 1/2 years ago as I listened to these words I had no idea where I would go and who I would meet in my journey.  I only knew that I felt called to spend my days with every attempt to serve the poor and marginalized.  I have grown in ways I could not have imagined as I was faced with being vulnerable, humbled, and  living most days outside my comfort zone. I have learned to trust my intuition and to follow my heart even when it is really hard to do so.  

Will you leave yourself behind if I but call your name?
Will you care for cruel and kind and never be the same?
Will you risk the hostile stare should your life attract or scare?
Will you let me answer prayer in you and you in me?

As a missioner and  foreigner there really is no place I totally fit in.  Sometimes that has been very difficult as people stare or make strange faces as I try to interact with them. And some people go out of their way to treat us special.  It is really a mixed bag but most of the time I have found that Brazilians are very loving, giving people.  

As in most of the ministry I have done in my life there are only moments when I get a glimpse of the difference I might have made in people's life.  I have a few moments I can claim as achievements but mostly I just trust that my presence in the lives of those I have met has impacted them in some way.  I know that their presence in my life has had an impacted on me.  

Will you let the blinded see if I but call your name?
Will you set the prisoners free and never be the same?
Will you kiss the leper clean and do such as this unseen,
and admit to what I mean in you and you in me?

In my time in Brazil I have the privilege to work with teenage moms,  women in prison, teens living in a poor neighborhood, and now at a women's health center.  So when I hear these words of the song the faces of those I have worked with run through my mind.  I hope that through me they experienced a piece of God's grace just as I experienced the grace of God through them.  

Will you love the “you” you hide if I but call your name?
Will you quell the fear inside and never be the same?
Will you use the faith you’ve found to reshape the world around,
Through my sight and touch and sound in you and you in me?

I have faced a lot of fears and found parts of myself I had hidden or did not know existed.  In many ways I am not the same girl that left Oregon 3 1/2 years ago.  I have grown and learned how to trust myself and believe that I can do whatever I set my mind too.  My faith has been a constant support.  Life as a missioner is exciting and amazing but it can also be frustrating and lonely.  I think experience has made me a stronger person and am grateful for God's unending presence in my life.  

Lord your summons echoes true when you but call my name.
Let me turn and follow you and never be the same.
In Your company I’ll go where Your love and footsteps show.
Thus I’ll move and live and grow in you and you in me.

I set out on a journey that some thought was crazy and others thought was brave.  I really just wanted to live what my heart was calling me to do.  Sure in all of it there have been elements of crazy and brave but what I am truly grateful for are all those who have been part of this journey with me both at home and in Brazil.  In the moments when I have felt most alone I was always able to stop and think about all the love that has poured out to me in these past years.  I set out on a journey with a lot of unknowns and now as I look back on it what I do know is that I am a strong, loving person who is so lucky to have had the chance to go beyond my comfort zone, and so blessed to have been touched by the grace that happens when we open ourselves up to the world.

"The Summons", by Robert Kochis